To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
