Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
