I met the friendliest cop last night
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
