Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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