New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
