I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
i think i just lost a toe
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
