After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
wow bdsm is so cute
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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