Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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