we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Randomize
