How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
