He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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