So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Mom said you looked used
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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