I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize
