everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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