i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
love makes seman taste better
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
