so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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