toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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