you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
