Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
