i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
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Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
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You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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