I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
