but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
