I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
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