come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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