Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
