when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Randomize
