Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
25 Of The Most Common Life Mistakes Young People Make
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
25 People Confess What They Really Think When They See An Obese Person
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!