Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?