Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december