You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Randomize
