Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Floor bacon is actually really good
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
