Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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