I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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