i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Someone came in the potted fern
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
