i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
