thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
tonight lets celebrate not being married
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
