happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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