im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
