nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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