Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
