We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
