If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
