fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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