Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
