Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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