i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
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