If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
