tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
