he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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