And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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