Your mouth is God's brothel.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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