I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
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