My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
