I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
