So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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