Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
