smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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