omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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