New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
he was CRYING into my vagina
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
