just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
