i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
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