Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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