haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
