Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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