i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
